…The OneUpping Story
by joebthegreat
Summary: If you think you've seen good summaries before you should have seen the amazing summary I had planned to put here! It was the most amazing thing of all time! Of course it was one character over the limit so now you'll never be able to see it. READ THIS


**The One-Upping Story  
****(My Story is Better Than Your Story)**  
By joebthegreat 

**Disclaimer:** It's not our fault if right after reading this story you turn gay. And it's not our fault if after reading this story you suddenly have an urge to grab a gun, take a trip to New York, and kill all the leaders of the United Nations. It's really not our fault if you suddenly start smoking once you're finished with this story. I don't own the characters, and the plot (as all plots inevitably are) is somehow owned by _The Simpson's_, who have probably actually already made a show similar to this story, with a disclaimer similar to this one.

I'd also like to quickly make a shout out to all my boyz on the east side. I've heard the complaints about all the Asians, and there's really nothing I can do. You shouldn't have moved to the east if you have such a problem wish Asians you silly bastards!

BLAHHH!!!

I've also just learned that the boyz on the east side are no longer my boyz, and so my shout to them was invalid.

Ah what the hell, I'd just like to shout, I don't care what side hears it.

BLAHHHHHHH!!!

* * *

"I just got accepted to my favorite college!" Ness shouted with glee. 

"Ah, I remember what college was like, I started early though, so it was tough. Of course, I had gone to the best college in the whole country according to Wikipedia, so I figure a straight A record in the best college at a very early age was good enough for me!" Young Link said, laying back.

"First off you're just lying, and second off you're just retarded," Ness said dully.

"You think that's good! I got accepted to college soon after I was born! It was the toughest college in the world, and the Encyclopedia Britannia will back me up on that, not just Wikipedia! I also got such high grades that they had to invent a letter above A just for me! They called it _God_!" Baby Link said, giggling like a cute little baby. Such a cute baby! Aww who's the cute baby? You are! Aren't you precious! I'm done now.

"How many of you guys are there anyway?" Ness asked.

"Well maybe those little accomplishments are enough for you guys, but I wanted to actually achieve something! I was accepted to college before my mother even got pregnant! According to secret encrypted alien language that I found it was the best college in the whole universe, and it even held secrets to eternal life and curing cancer and stuff! I was above grades there; I was considered the person to go to if you ever had a question, because while studying there I learned everything! I figured out the secret to the universe!" Fetus Link grinned. Aww such a cute fetus! Who's the cute fetus? You are! Aren't you precious! I'm done now.

"Seriously this is getting ridiculous," Ness said.

"Of course you losers think that's good enough. I was accepted to college when I was just a sperm inside my dad while he was in college. I was so good the aliens actually came and got me, and took me to a different dimension, where there was the best university in all of known existence! We control all of existence! In effect, I am a god!" Sperm Cell Link shouted. Such a cute sperm cell! Aww who's the cute sperm cell? You are! Aren't you precious! I'm done staring at Link's genitalia now.

Speaking of Link, whose genitals are cute by the way, he walked up to the bragging youngsters.

"Well when I was a kid I didn't much care for an education! I was the bad boy of my school! I beat kids up every day for money, and everybody was either in with my gang or a loser!" Link laughed. Link isn't cute by the way (at least his face isn't).

"Will you guys shut up, this is getting pretty old," Ness said. Ness is cute.

"Ah you youngsters think you're all tough, why you should have seen how things were back in my day! The teachers would beat your ass with a dead cat's corpse until you were bleeding profusely whenever you weren't acting properly! On the school grounds kids were dying every week! Broken bones and brain damage weren't even considered bad enough to get you out of school back then! We sure were toughened up! And I'd like to say I was the toughest of us! I headed the leather jacket gang! We pissed on old people and got in fights with the police! Those sure were the days!" Grandpa Link sighed. He started to piss on himself, and whether he was reenacting the old tradition of pissing on old people or honestly losing complete control of all bodily functions, it was cute.

"Well that may have passed for tough for you young'uns, but that sure wasn't good enough for us! Us children were real hell raisers! Teachers had to keep us in line with anti-tank mines and grenade launchers if they wanted any decency! When school got out we'd band together and take on the entire U.S. Army. Hell, if it weren't for us kids America would have jumped into World War One right at the start! I was the leader of our posse, and I can tell you right now you were either on my good side or on the side of the road with fairies crawling out your eyeballs!" Dead Link bragged. His old rotting flesh filled with squirming maggots, and the idea of fairies crawling out of eyeballs, was really cute.

"Alright people, that's enough! Can we try to be reasonable!?" Ness cried.

"You think you want to be reasonable? You should see how much I've been trying to be reasonable around here! All I ask for is reason, and these people just sit here and exaggerate! I've never exaggerated once in my whole life! I'm so reasonable several world leaders have called me up and asked me for advice! I'm the pinnacle of reasonability!" 1920s Mobster in a Derby Hat Link shouted. The derby was cute.

"What the hell? Why do you people ignore me!?" Ness cried.

"You think you're being ignored? You should try to imagine how bad it's been for me! Nobody mentions me anywhere! I've just learned the FBI has been crossing out my name on all legal documents, and I officially don't exist! I have to live off of the scraps of others! Nobody has even tried to respond to me in so many years I've lost count!" Crocodile Hunter Link cried. Crocodile hunting is cute.

"I give up…" Ness shouted, storming out of the room.

"You think you give up! I give sideways! Many miles sideways in fact! I've given to China!" Al Gore said, referring of course to the super-secret secrets he sold to China (referring of course to the internet he invented (referring of course to the entire existence of cute as we know it)). Al Gore is secretly Link by the way.

* * *

See, that story was way better than your story, it's such a good story the government funded me with trillions of dollars after seeing a copy, and every publisher in all existence (including the alien publishers from those alternate dimensions) has offered me tons of money to allow them to publish my work.

This story is so tough it performs abortions! And even if people think abortion is immoral, this story MAKES abortion moral!

Peace out bitches! I have homework to do now! And if you think your homework is bad, just wait until you get a look at all this shit I have to do!

I'll shut up now…

And when I say I'll shut up, I mean I'll shut up more than you EVER have in your LIFE!


End file.
